Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Blind Date

Something about your eyes makes me
want to cry...

He said, "You have lovely eyes."
I said, "Thanks, I got them from my mother."
He said, "You must look a lot like her..."
I said, "No, I mean, she was my tissue donor when she died tragically and unexpectedly, so these are her literal eyes."
He said, "Oh."
I said, "Yeah...it complicates things, because I don't know that I can ever see your penis without thinking that it's through my mom's eyes that I'm seeing your penis and that she will always be there watching what I do and judging me. Sometimes I fear that I am just the vessel and that she's controlling me; I'm just the body, but she's the eyes."
He said,"Excuse me for a minute, I just have to use the bathroom."

I guess he had ulcerative colitis or something, who knows, maybe he died in the bathroom because I never saw him again. And I only knew his first name, so I couldn't look him up. But every once in a while, I walk by the restaurant where we met and think of how awesome I am that I made up that horrible lie on the spot because I wasn't attracted to him and I give myself a high five.